1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
