Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I deserve this hangover.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
