I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
