He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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