I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
