Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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