I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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