U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize