The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
