First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
