I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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