you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
