I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
