It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize