The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
