rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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