found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
