How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
