if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
