I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
