I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
