I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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