i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
