FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
