Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
