Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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