beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
