we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
