CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
