he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
