I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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