Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
