I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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