threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
