writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
