The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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