I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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