You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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