I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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