I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just tell him i said nine months
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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