Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
