Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
