life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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