If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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