Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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