We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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