You're my little dorito
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize