i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
