threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
