I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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