OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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