I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
