i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
