Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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