idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
