i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
