My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
40s are totally the cure
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
