I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
